When I woke up today, I sighed deeply, letting the air rush out of me. Yesterday came and went--but the rapture didn't come. And that is a real bummer.

You may find it odd that I, heretic, atheist, and le diable boîteux, feel bad about the rapture not taking place. After all, I do not believe in this bollocks. Am I experiencing a sense of regret? Perhaps I have found God's son, Jesus--someone who everyone is 'finding' like a theological Waldo. Perhaps it is the latent pangs of my childhood. To this day, my family are mostly knuckle dragging Methodists who love Joel Osteen and find Instagram posts with solecism-filled captions about God to be 'inspiring'. Perhaps I am feeling left out. Perhaps...perhaps...perhaps.

Let me start by assuring my customers: no, I have not found God. If you ever read an article from me in which this is alluded to, assume I am either joking, under duress, or need to be put down like a mad cow with the eponymous disease. If this last option must be taken, make sure my cats stay together and treat them well. But we do not need to do that. You see, my glum feeling about the rapture can be summed up in this sentiment: I would rather be wrong and have every Christian removed from the Earth forever than be right and have to listen as the chattering charlatans scramble to keep their sheepish flocks from abandoning ship. Milton's Satan stated that it is better reign in Hell than serve in Heaven; I say it is better to have sleep and silence in Hell than be righteous and among the flock in Heaven. I do not mind if the Christians go to Heaven so long as I do not have to be there.

Some of you are reading this and have replaced the word 'Christian' with 'bat shit cultists' and have exempted yourself. Do not do this. With the MAGA Christians, Mormons space aliens and Scientologist cranks, I would throw in the Christian socialists, Catholic Marxists, and humanists. Take them too, Almighty Lord--they know not what they do, because they are morons. They deserve to spend eternity in the religious madhouse they reference in order to dull their revolutionary outlook with God's son and his party tricks. Their arrogance that heathens like myself need the Devil and the Good Lord and all their figurines from that never-ending franchise to be ethical does not deserve my respect--even if, to give the angels their due, they are right. I do not mind elitism when it is honest, and most people do need a crutch like religion to guide their decisions. And they, left wing God-lovers, are not honest about their elitism, mixing in calls for equality in their reactionary expounding of the Nicene screed that Roman oligarchs put together to entertain the masses as their empire began to fall apart.

I tire of the constant need of people to refer to God, Christ and all of this nonsense. Often, a crisis will arise and we see them--left, liberal, and fascist--step out and tell us, without a hint of irony, that this world needs Christianity to set things right. The world, they tell us, has fallen to secularism and decadence, that we have forgotten Christ's message or particular parts of the Bible or what some saint grumbled. Horseshit! This world belongs to the Christians--this is the world they have built, with its dark corners, love of puritanical violence, and the prejudices that now drown us in blood. It is under the watch of Christians that we sought colonialism, imperialism, and phobias of sexual orientations, while offering new ways to justify sexism, racism and slavery. I care nothing that ol' John Brown did the right thing while uttering Jesus' name; it took a sense of tragedy, not the word of God, to make Brown do the right thing. The fact the Civil War had Christians on both sides does not impress me--it speaks to the confusion of religion. This world belongs to the Christians, no matter what political ideology it dances to. Confusion is the order of the day, and it is the product of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. If you do not like the world today, you do not like Christianity. You cannot turn to the religion that has underpinned all that has come about to stop what it has allowed. But cue the cognitive dissonance, as this is what people will do.

Here, the reverie ends. I have finally had my cup of coffee. The early morning irritation I feel towards the Christians seems to pass--like the coffee that now goes straight to my bowels. Would I really and truly want a world without Christians? Sure, they are annoying. But don't they help the poor? Well...no, not really. They don't do that. But wouldn't I miss their values as they put children onto the straight path of morality? Well...no, not really. They don't do that either. But wouldn't I miss their love for mankind? Well, no...both because they do not love their fellow creatures, and because I do not love my fellow homo sapien either. But surely the Christian socialists have done something for us that I would miss...no. I would not miss the various memes that put Karl Marx and Jesus (and, sometimes as a surprise guest, Santa Claus) together to suggest they would be besties. I am not sure the worldly theorist would get on well with an apocalyptic rabbi. I am not Zizek--I have not embraced naivety and called it 'theory'.

I dare not look at my phone. I know what I will find--memes about the credulity of Christians, snarky tweets from child atheists, and TikTok video after TikTok video of people either justifying this nonsense or making the same joke as everyone else. I think I will offer my condolences to the Christians and the fact their God has once again left them high and dry.

After all, I also wanted the rapture to happen.